I could have been late to the game but I didn’t flirt with the idea of kink and BDSM until I saw 50 Shades of Grey (I honestly hate admitting that lol). There was something about it that struck a sexual cord in me, therefore, creating a whole new world of kinky fantasies that I didn’t know existed in myself. I always knew I was a sexual person, but navigating that sexual energy was tough because I grew up in a very religious family; being sexual came along with feelings of guilt. Eventually, I started exploring the never before seen corners of myself and there was no going back from there!

What is Kink and BDSM? 

I’m sure you have seen or heard of the words “kink” or “BDSM” at some point or another. They are typically grouped together as non-traditional categories of sexual activity. Kink is essentially what someone enjoys outside the “norm” of what we would consider traditional sex. An example of my own would be the arousal of bondage and sensation play (a little play with our stimuli). Truth be told, there is a never ending list of kinky options. BDSM (overlapping abbreviation of Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism): Bondage and discipline is exactly what it sounds like! You may like bondage if you think the sound of being handcuffed or tapped is erotic and exciting, or maybe you need to be disciplined with a whip for being bad? Dominance and submission are power dynamic roles that you and your partner may take during sex; some people may lean more towards one or the other with these dynamics, or they can be interchangeable. It really depends on what you enjoy the most in your sexual fantasies. Sadism is having the enjoyment or arousal of watching someone else experience pain, while masochism is the pleasure of having pain inflicted on you.

Sounds intense, huh!? It doesn’t have to be! You do not need to jump in the deep end and channel your inner Christian Grey or Anastasia Steele (seriously, I need to stop with the 50 Shades of Grey shit). I’m sure you already have an idea in your mind of what could be pleasurable to you. If you aren’t sure where to begin, here are some of my tips that helped me:

PLAY WITH SOMEONE YOU TRUST

Hopefully you already have a partner you can trust. This is very important when you want to explore the world of kink. It involves an honest conversation of what you and your partner would like or dislike in your experience. CONSENT, CONSENT, CONSENT! Make sure you set your boundaries before getting into this. If you are like me, too much pain might not be your jam, and that’s totally okay! You do not need to compromise your own experience if you are with someone who might be more of a sadist. Be honest with what you want and find a balance that can satisfy you both. Maybe you want to experiment with hot wax, or maybe the sound of being whipped or spanked makes you horny. If you think you can handle more, amp up the game little by little. You may be surprised what you find out about yourself.
Also, if you are single and want to explore with other people – please be careful. I may listen to way too many murder podcasts but kink play with some rando on tinder sounds like a bad (or awkward) idea.

HAVE FUN FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU LIKE 

If you aren’t entirely sure what “accessories” or toys you would like to use, set a date with your playmate to the sex shop or browse around your favorite online sex store in the kink category. There are tons of options to choose from and it is fun when you can decide on what to get with your partner. Picking things out is part of the experience! The first time I went with my partner, it was a little awkward at first because I felt a little shy admitting that I wanted nipple clamps for our play session. Turns out she was the bigger freak wanting to play with fake blood. All in all, it was a really hilarious way to get to know my partner in the process.

START OFF EASY 

I think this is a given when it comes to kink play but it’s also a good reminder to go easy at first. As I said before, kink can look different for everyone. There are so many different types of play, it will blow your mind. No matter what you like, always remember to keep it light at first. If you and your partner are ready to turn it up a notch, go for it. Let it be organic and allow your bodies to do the talking.
If you end up getting a little deeper in your play that might involve a safe word, have that established beforehand. A safe word is a word you and your partner have that is code for “stop.” This is when you know you have reached your limits and it needs to stay below that threshold. This is especially important with sadists and masochists, since they enjoy the element of pain, or partners who are role playing. Verbally saying “no” to sex may not be enough. Acting as if they are not enjoying what is being done may be part of the arousal. That is where safe words come into play.

Kink and BDSM can look different for everyone. You can make it your own and play around with ideas that will satisfy your sexual desires. What is it that you fantasize about? Even if kink (or BDSM) doesn’t interest you, there are some elements of it that can bring some fun in the bedroom (or wherever you feel like getting whipped), especially if it feels like you need a little extra spice.

When I first started getting into kink, I was dating a woman that was just as dark and twisted as I was. We would both get turned on watching the scene in American Horror Story: Hotel, where Lady Gaga and Matt Bomber took a couple home from the drive-in theater and had a hot and heavy foursome before killing them in bed. That scene inspired our imaginations to fulfill our own dark sexual desires. What desires you might ask? Well, Imagine Tainted Love by Marilyn Manson playing in the background while being covered in fake blood (pretty sure it was mint flavored lol), hands bound with tape, completely blindfolded; not knowing what your partner will do to you. Will it be the hot wax? Ice cubes? Nipple clamps? Butterfly vibrator? Will I feel her tongue on my skin, or maybe inside me?

Okay, I need to stop before I get too excited. I have obviously found what pleases me. I think there is a little kinkiness in all of us. As I said before, it can look however you choose. If you are looking for a new avenue outside of traditional sex, I suggest letting loose a little bit. Bend over, get spanked and have some of the best sex you’ve ever had!

Happy playing :)