We live in times of sexual freedom and open sex-ploration. We live during an era of non-monogamous hype and polyamorous glow. We are alive to witness some of the most revolutionized views on sex, the world has ever seen. So how about threesomes? Threesomes date back about as far as time itself, it seems. Since humans have been here to work and populate the planet, we have been partaking in sexual exploits with more than one partner. But how do all participants really feel? Does everyone truly enjoy the act of ‘three’s company’ or would some prefer ‘juuust the two of us?’

It’s fascinating to learn how people of differing social circles view sex, monogamy, polyamory, situations of risk and security, and many more sexually oriented topics. How many couples have fantasized about inviting a friend into their bed? How many single ladies have targeted a couple of hottie fuckboys they’d want to bed? And we know how many men fantasize about two women: all of them, ha! Only joking. (Aside: something that really strikes me as peculiar, is there is very little mention of FFF or MMM threesomes in any study. So, is having a threesome a hetero thing? Are the gays and queers stingy with their partners? Or are they simply too engrossed with the non-monogamous lifestyle, that the appeal of a threesome has lost its flare?)

Statistics show that ninety five percent of men and eighty seven percent of women have fantasized about sex with multiple partners. Much less has been done about this though, as a study in 2017 showed ten percent of women and about eighteen percent of men have copped to actually having participated in one. So then what does that say? Are we all just dreaming of the love triangle or do we actually want to do it?

Let me paint a picture

It’s a Saturday night and you’re walking the dog with your partner when they mention a friend wants to join you for dinner and drinks later that night. You agree as this is a close friend of both of yours and you’ve known and loved them dearly for years. They come over, dinner is spectacular, cocktails are yummy, and you dim the lights to play softer music while you all chat. Now here’s where it gets a bit hazy, due to the drinking of course, but somehow you end up on the lap of your friend that’s visiting stroking their hair while your partner encourages you to touch them more. Shocked by this, but also intrigued, you oblige and kiss their neck as you continue stroking their hair. Your partner then comes over and begins caressing both your genitals and everyone’s is aroused. You are both confused and turned on at the time and through the pleasure of it, can still feel the feelings of uncertainty and foreshadowing regret. Do you want this to happen with your close friend? Do you distrust yourself or your partner since you are both having sexual relations with another? Does this mean that you’re in a non-monogamous relationship now? Ahh! So many questions.. 

Anyway, back to the scene.. you all take turns kissing each other, groping body parts and undressing each other piece by piece. Finally, you are all naked on the living room rug in front of the low burn of the fire (did I mention someone started a very romantic fire?). You watch as your partner performs oral on your friend and you can’t help but feel excited. You then begin the same act on your partner and moans can be heard throughout the house. After a intense few minutes of oral loving, your partner orgasms, but your friend does not. Remembering something in the bedroom, you run in to grab it and come back out. Your friend looks as if they’ve never seen adult toys before and that stirs you even more. Just as you are about to turn the vibrator on, you hear..

“Hey honey. Honey. BABE.” 

And back you are from your delicious fantasy..

Just a Fantasy?

Fantasies are wonderful human phenomena of the mind. They allow for us to live out situations in our heads that are satisfying to us and top secret to the rest of the world. Some are romantic, some are violent, others are sweet and tender, and many are sexual. The thing about fantasies is, your brain doesn’t know the difference between imagined [or simulated] and real life; the feelings for both are real and produce the same endorphins. So what that means is your sexual imagination takes off into a world of rapturous bliss and you are really elated, aroused, and eventually even satisfied.

But are the fantasies better left your head or played out in your bed? The answer is, that’s something for you to decide. Having a threesome is the number one fantasy in America so why are the numbers showing that way less are trying it out? Maybe we like our fantasies to be protected and pure, free from human tainting and forever pleasing to us. Or maybe we’re just afraid to try.

What are you afraid of?

There are a few things people are openly admitting to being insecure about when it comes to threesomes. The top is, friendships that go south after the time is up and things are supposed to return back to ‘normal.’ Understandable. No one wants to trade one night for years of a beautiful relationship and that’s exactly what could happen. I have friends Katie and Jo who absolutely could not look at each other, let alone remain friends after they had a three-way fling in Cancun with Jo’s bf. It was one hell of a trip, but when they got back to the states, things had changed and there was no going back to the way things were. I watched them awkwardly hang out in group settings, until they would be around each other less and less. Eventually I would only see them separately, and that’s when he cat came out of the bag about that week in Mexico. So, I know firsthand, losing a friend is a hard pill to swallow if you think that could happen.

Another thing I hear is a fear of sexual performance with an audience. This is something that changes the game; having someone else in the room to judge your sexual prowess can be a lot of pressure, especially if you get social or performance anxiety. Most people I’ve chatted with that have experienced this always tell me there was some kind of drink or substance that was taken to relax and get through the ordeal without running away. This fear goes hand-in-hand almost, with body insecurities with a crowd. It’s so much different feeling confident in front of one person, than two. Both are valid fears for this kind of situation and should not be neglected during consideration. How confident are you and your partners?

The last of the most common threesome fears I’ve gotten, is the fear of one losing their partner to the third wheel. Man! That’s gotta be a sting like none other; to invite another person to share your bed, only to realize that your partner enjoys their loving more! Agh, that is a real fear for very good reason. No one wants to agree to do something that totally throws their life off-kilter. It’s just hard to live with.

In any rate, there are many reasons, people like to fantasize rather than exercise their right to two people. But there are so many things in life (in general) to fear, so fear shouldn’t be a reason to not do what you want. And going after the things and people that make you happy and fulfilled at the end of the day, should not take a backseat to a fearful mindset. There are plenty of people with successful relationships and friendships and they all partake in the triple threat sex game. 

Why do some do it?

Speaking of those flourishing in the threesome world, there are those ten and eighteen percent of people that are actually doing it (aside: just because only those percentages of people admitted to having a threesome, doesn’t mean that is an accurate representation of how many people have really participated). But why? What makes them want to?

Some couples have reported that they did it for their partner. They knew how much a threesome meant to their SO, so they embarked on something that maybe wasn’t for them, in light of keeping their lover happy. The problem with that, is they often felt inadequate, like they weren’t enough so their partner needed someone who offered more.

Other couples revealed that they had threesomes to keep the spice in their sexual lives. Mainly with the middle aged and those in matured relationships, we find this dynamic. They spoke about feeling like there was a certain spark missing and they needed to do something to keep the sex life alive and thriving, rather than fading. Not being the cheating kind, they discussed and came up with something more sexually adventurous. Sounds like a good idea to me, as long as everyone’s on board.

Interested?

It seems when it comes to actually participating in a threesome, most of us are in our heads too much. We afraid to disrupt the notions we have in our minds about how it should go, perfectly. In my opinion, we should be more scientific about sex. Scientific Method basically works like this: hypothesis, experiment, conclusion. If you think a threesome would be fun (hypothesis), then give it a try with two people you trust (experiment), and see if it’s for you (conclusion). This is actually a great way to live life, trial and error. It is in fact, how everything we have and use today came to be; there was experimentation based off of and idea that something could work, and the end result. So! If you’ve been thinking about it, a lot, just pull the trigger and have your answer. But be open. There first one may not go so well, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying again, if you really desire to have a great experience. Sometimes, it’s about finding the right people. Sometimes it’s about being in the right setting. Sometimes it’s all about the fucking playlist and the lighting! Whatever it is, if there’s something you’d like to explore sexually [that doesn’t hurt or traumatize anyone], you know we’re here to support you, fam.

Until next time..