Written by Jay Johnson
Everyone loves talking about sex and fucking, as long as it’s the good stuff. Orgasms, foreplay, oral sex, trying out sex toys or buying new toys, and all that jazz. What people tend to avoid, are conversations with their partner that bring up issues in their sex life. So how do you talk to your partner about your sex needs and not feel like you’re hurting their feelings or being too needy? Thats what we’ll talk about. Some people have partners that are very communicative and receptive to relationship critiques, but others have partners that are a bit on the insecure side and have defenses up with each seemingly accusatory topic. Well fam, I’m here to help you have those tough convos with bae so you can get the orgasms you need, or even the break you need if you’re feeling over-sexed.
Initiation of conversation
I’m a firm believer that initiating the conversation is half the battle. Sometimes, it’s hard to even tell your partner that you want to talk to them about your sexual relationship, let alone actually having the convo. So what I suggest is a direct and assertive approach. People appreciate when they have clarity, so being clear about what you want to talk about is the best way to go about it. If you know you’re dealing with a defensive partner, then take the most gentle approach possible and ask them to please talk with you at the next convenient moment because sex is as important to you as the relationship. And if it’s important to you, then it should be important to them (you should be worried if they couldn’t care less about what’s necessary for you).
Initiation should be done in person so that your partner has to look you in the eyes and see how serious you are about getting that dick or pussy conversation handled, and not be able to ignore a phone call, text message or email (do couples even email each other?). If you are in a relationship where in-person conversations are difficult to schedule, you can send and text and tell them there is an urgent matter and you would love a video chat. Again, the point is to be able to look your partner in the eyes as you express your feelings about sex.
If you have a partner that agrees to the conversation, but constantly avoids it, you need a better plan of attack. You may want to consider and ambush approach. In an ambush, you are catching your partner at a time you know they can’t escape whatever room they’re in, like while they’re taking a shit, a shower, shaving, cooking.. all of the above make great ambush situations where you can unleash all the feelings you’ve been having.
If you are able to talk to your partner the second you mention the need to, you’re one of the lucky ones, so don’t blow it (or do, it might help, *wink wink*). Having a partner that hears the distress in your voice or sees the tension in your body, and says they are ready to hear you out, is truly a blessing. You want to take advantage of it by having talking points that you’ve already rehearsed in your head ready to go. So let’s talk about that next.
Say what you mean and mean what you say
If you already know it’s a hard topic to discuss, plan ahead with bullet points of what you’d like to discuss. There’s nothing wrong with whipping out a flashcard with notes on it as you go through your talk. The fact that you needed to prepare for it will actually show your partner how serious this is to you, and should make them tune in more. Below are some great openers to sex topics you may want to discuss with them..
“Honey, I love you to pieces, and this is not easy to say, but I really need more sex from this relationship. Sex is important to me and if this relationship is going to survive and thrive, I really need more of it from you.”
“Baby, the sex we have is good, but I would love if it could be great. I have a strong sex drive and it’s not going away any time soon, so maybe we can try something new, like toys or role playing? I really love you and want this relationship to work, but I also love sex and don’t want you upset or jealous if you see me with a new ________ (whatever sex toy will get you off — double dildo, anal beads, rabbit vibrator, etc).”
“Sweetheart, sometimes I feel like you have sex with me as a duty or chore. You rush right in, don’t kiss me, and finish all within minutes. Would you consider adding in foreplay, some BDSM risqué shit, like tying me up, oral sex before insertion, or whatever else might spice up our sex?”
“Babe, I love you like no one else, but you have to consider giving my body a break. Sex morning, noon, and night was cool when we were teenagers and college kids, but as we get older, it takes a lot out of me. Would you consider getting a ___________ (whatever sex toy replaces your worn out parts — clit massager, G-spot vibrator, male masturbator, etc) instead to try out sometimes?”
All of these are examples of how you can quickly, clearly, and assertively get your point across and the conversation started. Don’t ever be afraid to state your needs in your relationships, because the longer you go without them being met, the more resentment you’ll harbor. And the resentment isn’t just for them, but also for yourself for not having the balls to speak up about it. So have no fear and stay what you mean!
Successful people are said to focus ninety five percent of their efforts on finding a solution, and only five percent of their efforts addressing the problem. Remember this when going into a discussion about ways to enhance your sex lives. If you only address the problem you’re having, and not offering a solution, you’re just complaining. People do not often respond well to complaints about them, especially those with no offered rectification. This is where preparation comes in, again. Prepare to state your case, offer your solution, then ask for their feedback.
Wait for feedback, then discuss openly
The one thing you want to always do, is keep your partner’s feelings at heart. Maybe they say they don’t know why they are so tired they can’t fuck once they get home from work. Or maybe they say they feel they need so much sex because if they don’t have enough physical energy released, they’ll be blocked in other areas. All points are valid when dealing with your partner and you have to be willing to listen and then discuss further, without making them feel too bad about it. You can even offer solutions to their problems that have nothing to do with sex, but can still help you achieve the desired outcome you’ve had from the beginning. For example, if your partner is always tired, talk to them about nutritional supplementation that could increase their energy levels. A diet change is a great promoter of better, healthier sex drives, and there are many many articles written by medical and psychological professionals to back this up. Research and offer solutions because it could pay off in the end. Just always remember, you’re not talking at your partner, you’re talking with them. To fix the problem, it’s going to take both of your cooperation, so be willing to discuss and compromise if necessary.
In closing, remember at the end of the day no one will care for you like you will. And your partner isn’t a mind reader, so be clear, be assertive, and be direct. If you have chosen the right partner, that loves and cares for you, they will try to work with you on the matter, even if they are a little put off in the beginning. Keep trying even if the first conversation doesn’t yield the desired results, because these changes aren’t made overnight and will take persistence and consistence. If your partner doesn’t seem to care to try to come around after months of trying to compromise, ditch them and check out our new Valentine’s Day selection. You’ll be sure to find something there that is going to rock your world better than they did.
Until next time..
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